We found out at 18 weeks during our anatomy scan that the heart looked a little too vertical and there looked to be some blood flow issues with the pulmonary valve.

We were terrified of the anatomy scan after all our [previous] losses. Things had been going so smoothly and we were scared for that to change. As we went through the scan, I asked about every organ and the various things that could be wrong with it, as I had researched all the main things they looked for. Our tech assured us every organ looked great. I asked if the heart had 4 chambers, It did, and I was relieved. She walked out and my husband and I took a big sigh of relief; we even said “holy cow, this is happening. Everything looks ok!!” We thought maybe it was even safe for us to finally announce our rainbow. Then the Doctor came back in and our world was turned upside down. We only had 5 minutes of the whole pregnancy inbetween the scan and the doctor where we felt free and safe. Then it was gone. She went over her concerns but said the baby could have just been too wiggly. She referred us to a fetal cardiologist the very next day.

That night was harder than any miscarriage. The worst night of my life. It still feels like a cruel joke. Didn’t we “earn” the right to an easy pregnancy after our history? Why Us? I don’t think either of us stopped crying. It felt so unfair; we were so broken already. This baby was supposed to be our redemption.

It took about a week but I got my fight back and came up with a game plan. There are high moments and very low ones. So many fears. I wish I could keep my baby in me forever. We worked so hard to get here; I’m not ready for the next step. We have fears about his possible genetic condition, which is 22q.11 deletion syndrome.

There are so many unknowns and our hearts are still not healed from our losses. I’m not sure I have the strength that will be required, but I pray I surprise myself. I find strength in other heart mamas and the special needs community. On my good days, I feel so ready for this challenge and I can’t wait to give my little boy every chance at love and happiness I possibly can. Those days help keep me going.

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